I really like Macklemore. If you haven’t heard anything from him outside of “Thrift Shop” you should really give his body of work a deeper listen. Macklemore’s fiancee got pregnant a few months before my wife Korina did. About four months before Killian was born Macklemore became a father. He released this track called “Growing Up” and it digs into the fear that comes with parenthood. Will I be something that you’re proud of, will I be a good role model, will I be a good dad? The lyrics are so strong and the first time I listened to it, it shook me. Listening to it now as a father 7 months in it shakes me in new different ways.
Probably for me, at this stage in my dad game, this line hits me hard:
“Who am I
if I’m the person you become
if I’m still growing up.”
I’m 26 now, 27 in December, and if I close my eyes I can feel like I’m the 19 year old kid singing on stages for crowds of people, locking eyes with Korina right up front singing along to songs written about her. I’m covered in noise and sweat and shrouded in dim stage lighting. Then I open my eyes and I am typing up purchase requests and requests for quotes behind a desk, under florescent lighting Monday through Friday. I am very lucky and honestly very happy to be in the job that I am in now. I’m not upset that those days are behind me. They are life experiences I get to pass on to Killian.
I just want to keep that part of me alive. I want to be the fun dad, who is wise and Killian always wants to come to when he is looking for guidance. Not a dad who comes home and is tired and just watns to sit and not be spoken to. It scares me that I might grow up too much and become a boring dad. Growing up is inevitable but I don’t worry about turning 30 or 50, I just worry about losing myself, losing the aspects of me that made Korina fall for me. Parenthood causes this crazy reformatting of yourself, even if you don’t think about it, you’re changed. I just want my boy to think of me as his Rad Dad…hehe see what I did there.
I’m still learning how to be this new Dillon and I’m reminded of my post Fatherhood and Flat Tires. I keep thinking I’m supposed to have 27 years of fatherhood experience when I only have 7 months. I have dad-work to do and if I keep true to myself, pick the guitar up play a few chords a little too loud, write a story from time to time, reread harry potter, and dress up to go to the Ren-fair I can still keep that kid in me kicking and I’m doing all of these things with Killian. I just hope he likes them. I feel a little strange for wanting my kid to think I’m cool. Is that normal? What do you think?
I guess whats at the heart of this is that being a father doesn’t mean you have to become this boring, passes out on the couch, shell of your former self. If you maintain your passions your kid can see that you’re passionate and maybe through that they will be passionate about the things you are. Maybe not. In the end it’s Killian’s choice.
What are your thoughts on growing up and fatherhood? Does growing up make you get stuffy and boring or does it just add experience to the things that got your kids mom to talk to you in the first place?
You’ve Got This!
As a side note, I am always in awe of how my wife flawlessly has changed over time. Literally every day she just gets cooler and cooler. I am constantly impressed with her wit, artistic talent, the way she makes parenting look easy, and of course her beauty. She makes it look easy. I am a lucky guy. *Ends post smiling broadly thinking about his kick ass wife and the little monster boy*